Link Haze, 11/20/09.

• Coco channel.
• Anti-condo installation.
• Rubber fowl installation.
• The Indie Rock Coloring Book—how fucking twee.
• AT&T sics noted 3G expert Luke Wilson on Verizon.
• The Scrubbing Bubbles® are not so cute, innocent.
• Pics (above) from a Russian protest against campus sexual harassment.
• PETA sends our troops "Bin Laden bites" dairy-free (gack) chocolate bars.

Le Monde says Silvio Berlusconi sees world as one big boob.

Tagged "bring the world into focus," this goofy, cheaply-produced TV spot by Paris agency Publicis Conceil for the magazine of the French daily newspaper doesn't make them look especially worldly or focused. But, it's got a squeezy boob in it—much like the set of stress boobs sitting in front of me on my work desk right this very moment—and it childishly makes fun of W. Bush. So, I'm sure le Français will be chortling (via).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Plane Stupid.

Watch (digital) polar bears fall 30,000 feet to their bloody deaths. (link)

Frosted Flakes are Gr-r-reat—even for budding misguided little homos.

(click ads) Empowering (or demeaning, my read is fuzzy) print ads for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes ("Sucrilhos" in Brazil) by Leo Burnett Brazil. Because, it IS important for ALL kids—even gay little tigers and ugly little tigresses—to be healthy. And what's healthier than a pint of sugar for breakfast? No matter, how inclusive and progressive of the 104-year-old company! (images via) Previous homophobic ads: Gay men are not VIP men. In Australia, men with design sense must be gay. Previous scary cereal ad: Trix are for (severely depressed) kids.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ivory 1930s.

It's the latest installment of Retro Racist Ad of the Week. Previously, Sanka made fun of evil, lazy, stupid Mexicans. Now, an Ivory ad that featured a black porter "as smooth as chocolate custard." (link)

Russian woman driving drunk with her eyes closed while precariously holding the silly dragon mascot of her China Town cocktail.

(click ad) Nothing to add here, it's all in the stupid headline (ad by Moscow agency Max Brandson, via). Related: a round-up of anti-drunk driving ambient ads inside public bathrooms. Related: Drunk-driving Lindsay Lohan mugshot. Related: the drunk googly-eyed VW Beetle.

(nsfw) UK men's masters tennis tournament promoted with old lady ass.

(click ad) Is that you, Virginia Wade? Ra-ther sexist print ad via online site InterCasino advertising the chance to win free tix to the AEGON Masters Tennis Tournament—a men's only affair—December 1-6 at London's Royal Albert Hall. Doing creaky Ben-Gay battle will be former greats Aussie Pat Cash, crazy Croatian Goran Ivanisevic, and Scud-serving Mark Phillippoussis, et al. This cheeky piece of gratuitous AssVertising I could have done without (agency Isobel, image via). Previously: 50-year old John McEnroe wants to stick his 50-foot arm up your ass.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: The Nobel Funk Off.

If you've ever wanted to see Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, and the Dalai Lama jam as a funky jazz trio, well this is as close as you're gonna get. Al Gore on cowbell (kidding)! (link)

UK 1974—Scary Stork Spectre Helps Hawk Jimmy Hats.

(click ad) "120,000 unplanned babies are born in Britain every year...So when the stork arrives, make sure he's a welcome visitor." It's rare these days—and nonexistent in the US—that you see a condom ad that actually presents the main fucking selling point of the product. I've seen two recent instances: another stork-riffing Durex campaign via New Zealand, and a brilliant cost-saving prophylactic ad via India. Otherwise, it's all sleazy, specious enhance your pleasure bullshit (via).

Alfa Romeo gasses Mozart.

"Play With Gas." To promote its MiTo Turbo GPL, The Italian automaker, via Milan web agency Fabbrica Virali, enlisted the choir from La Schola Cantorum S. Maria degli Angeli to fuck with Mozart's Requiem (his last composition). Quite low brau, and not very well connected to the car, but still better than most of the shitty auto ads out there these days. Will it go "viral?" Well, it's got 30,000 views in five days, so not bad. Austria probably ain't too happy with the stunt (via). Previous stunt videos: Samsung. IBM. Microsoft. MTV. Diesel. Ray-Ban. Ray-Ban again.

China Ad Watch: Head & Shoulders.

(click ad) Viagra. Playboy. Durex lube. Absolut vodka. Guinness. The Volkswagen GTI. Even Ben Gay. Now that the People's Republic has fully embraced unbridled Capitalism, the Chinese people are joyously blowing their hard-earned Yuans on our non-essential immoral Western products. But Chinese advertising (click the above links for examples) just isn't quite there yet. However, this print execution for the dandruff shampoo, via Saatchi & Saatchi in Guangzhou, is not only comprehensible, but actually pretty funny. Scanned from a recent Archive.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Skin Cancer Action Week.

1,700 sunbathers (figuratively) killed last weekend on popular Aussie beach. (link)

Drew Barrymore turns herself on by reading The Week.

(click ad) Mark this one under "celeb endorsements that surprised the bejesus out of me." And not much of a money quote. That's the best Drew//the pub/the ad agency could come up with? Scanned from this week's The Week. It's celeb endorsement day here on copyranter.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Guinness China.

Per usual via the People's Republic, these print ads for the Irish stout are just fucking strange. (link)

Kevin Spacey says 'hurty'

The movie star channels his inner Ralph Wiggum in this new UK spot for the new digital version of the classic Olympus Pen camera. The nonsensical script is lame, and I don't get the weird woods morph effect. But I do admire the complete lack of facial retouching. Easy, if mildly embarrassing, £s for Spacey. Via London's Team Saatchi, via. Previous embarrassing overseas ad turns by mega stars: Jude Law. Quentin Tarantino. Jackie Chan. George Clooney.

Buygone Product of the Week: the "Oral Sex" Phone.

(click ad) Larry Flynt bought 10. "Superbly sculptured by a European artist, it's a masterpiece of lightweight, micro-processor technology." $69.95? That's a lot of fucking 1970s bucks. And the gold leaves are blocking my tongue. Sadly, the 800-number is no longer in service. I wanted one for the bedroom to complement my sexxxy Love Rug™ and new closet-full of "Me Jane" spread-leg clothes hangers (image via).

Link Haze, 11/13/09.

• The Decapitator hits NYC!
• Floating Windows XP error box.
• Neurosurgeon gets head transplant.
• Fred and Barney take a Winston break.
• A French McDonald's spot to jerk off to.
• NJ judge rules quadriplegic has right to bear arms.
• HOT 107.1, all Denver's hottest hits, played upside-down.
• NYC pay phones aren't used for calling so much anymore.
• Most cruises offer a mini-bar. We offer a mounted mini-gun.
• Blago's hair becomes visual shorthand for Illinois corruption.
• "I don't see anything in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants."

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Casa do Menor.

A fairly powerful spot about sexually-abused children. Depressing, I know. Sorry. (link)

Condomi unsells me on its fruit-flavored condoms.

(click ads) "Tastes like real fruit." I doubt it, but that's nice. A previous flavored prophylactic campaign from Germany featured hot models blowing tuttufrutti condom bubbles. Now, via ad agency DraftFCB Kobza in Vienna, we have dick chomping. Do you understand the draw of fruit-flavored condoms? If you are a female/male prostitute who sucks rubber-sheathed penes all day and night, then maybe you do (images via). Here's a previous ad for Condomi ultra thin condoms.

(kinda NSFW) Hot naked sweaty drippy sluicy Yoga.

(click ads) Nipple and Ass Crack (sorry)! Kinda creepy, artsy, melting skin ads by Leo Burnett Hong Kong for hot yoga classes at Life Yoga. Copy line: Sweat off your flab. That, and your head. And, where's the melting hot dude ad in the campaign (images via)? Previously in Yoga: what should NOT be on a McDonald's cup: a woman executing the Vrksasana pose. Jane Magazine calls her pose Downward Facing Slutdog.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Schweppes.

Rihanna-pummeling asshole Chris Brown is, unbeknownst to him, being used to sell the mixer to Israelis in a new campaign. (link)

Buygone Product of the Week: the "Me Jane" hanger.

(click ad) See Jane spread. Fuck yeah—"sexy clothes hangers for men" topped by a "black lace-trimmed leopard cloth bikini." $1! Metrosexuals? You can have your pussy padded hangers. I want a closet-full of these. No corresponding "Me Tarzan" hanger unfortch (image via). Previous sexy sexist buygone product: the Frederick's blow-up bra.

Hockey fans accosted at urinals by terrible play-by-play announcer.

Toronto sports radio station AM640 placed motion-sensor audio posters above some pissers inside the men's rooms at the Air Canada Centre, home of the awful Maple Leafs. The copy—"the crowd can't keep their eyes off his helmet"—is symbiotically awful. Why not install a few in the stalls, too? "He skates over the red line and dumps it in hard..." (via) Previous hockey ads: Samsung's fake curling rock goal. FedEx's pathetic sponsorship ad. Calgary Flames playoff ads come back to burn them. And Sean Avery dons a spiffy new sweater. Previously in: public bathroom advertising.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Diabetes.

November is American Diabetes Month—which means it's time to post an awareness video with a nsfw masturbation joke. (link)

China introduces the special edition VW GTI "PP"

(click ads) "It will go fast" is the translation on the copy line for these Volkswagen GTI ads by BIG advertising (that's the agency's name) in Beijing, China. Lost in translation, apparently, is how showing people who've pissed their pants will make someone want to buy the car. Are they using "go" as a double entendre (is it one in Chinese?)? Or are they saying that the speed of the GTI will make you pee yourself? If that's the case, shouldn't we instead be looking at individuals who've shit themselves (images via)? Previously in: PissVertising. Previous VW ads: good (1, 2, 3) bad (1, 2, 3).

(NSFW) This week in American Apparel ads: It's Nipples.

(click ads) Last month, it was Ass Crack. Before that, it was Nipples. And before that, Ass Crack. Detecting an artistic pattern here from the pants-optional CEO (Ads from [left] LA Weekly and Barcelona, via).

The Unparalleled Hyperbole of NYC Real Estate Advertising #3

(click image) You didn't honestly think something as inconsequential as a historically-depressed realty market would stay Gotham's property marketers from abusing their already dog-eared thesauri? You don't live here in youtopia, do you? All headlines clipped from real estate ads from either the New York Times or the New York Observer. To view my previous Kindergarten cut and paste hyperbolic hooey-board projects, go here and here.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: UK knife crime.

New awareness video by England's Home Office is depressing, but ineffective. (link)

Microsoft exploits Berlin Wall anniversary.

(click image) Microsoft in New Zealand, via agency Y&R, apparently recently mailed out some letters in fucking concrete envelopes (with an enclosed hammer) to software salespeople (I'm guessing just high-end accounts) touting Windows, and inviting them to enter a promotion to win a trip to Berlin. Well, at least the recipients got a free hammer out of it (via). Previous bad Microsoft advertising: Ungrammatical. Tragically ironic. Monstrously moronic. Mega misdirected. Patently unpatriotic. Boringly fake.

Noah's Gay Ark.

(click ad) Pope Ratzi does not approve. To promote its GLBT services, Aukland's cheeky St. Matthew in the City Anglican church (whose previous billboard mocked the Feeding the Multitude miracle), through their agency M&C Saatchi, got British illustrator Clifford Richards to edit/update his 1970 work "Noah's Ark." Note the two cocks, and the two snails (hermaphrodites) in the foreground. Now imagine this billboard being erected in Wichita Falls, Texas (image via).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Nespresso.

Watch George Clooney die and visit God (John Malkovich) in this new French TV spot. (link)

Fake stunt video of the week—Samsung.

Samsung, "official mobile device" of the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympic Games, is looking for some "mobile explorers" to record "wow" moments at the event. Wow moments like this ridiculously fake one where a hockey player, frustrated by a hot goalie, steals a curling rock from nearby sweepers and blows it by the netminder high glove side (my hole of choice "back in the day"). It being approximately 40 pounds, the granite stone keeps going through the net, through the glass, and through the concession stand. I was mildly entertained (via). Previous fake stunt videos of the week.

When beer ads blew sunshine up your ass.

(click ad) Joseph Schlitz was a lying sack of shitz. This 1936 Schlitz ad joins its sunshiny sister ad in the Lies Well Disguised™ Hall of Fame. The copy is drunk with hyperbole: "That feeling of radiant health enjoyed on a breeze-swept deck—that sense of bracing invigoration and fresh vitality—are captured for you in each sparkling, foam-capped glass of Schlitz, the beer with Sunshine Vitamin D. (...) Beer is good for you—but Schlitz...is extra good for you." If you've ever tasted Schlitz, well then you know that that steering fluid-like can is the most accurate thing in the ad (image via). Previous vintage Schlitz ad: 1950s—"don't worry darling, you didn't burn the beer!"

Link Haze, 11/06/09.

• The Cow Head Diner.
• Pretend you're homeless.
• A wonderful rejection letter.
• Government option=Dachau.
• The worst acting gig imaginable.
• Place image in dictionary next to irony.
• Interview with a surviving Branch Davidian.
• Dodge Viper logo is Daffy Duck upside down.
• Call China for pennies, about a billion of them.
• What the hottest agency in the world looked like 17 years ago.
• 9 years and $2 billion later, the Yanks are finally top centaurs again.

Michael Jackson: a pigmentation timeline.

(click ad) Black & white (ha) Press ad for a "True Stories" documentary about MJ's final days airing on Prime TV in New Zealand. Let's hope the show is/was equally as informative and respectful (ad by Draft FCB Auckland, image via). Previous Michael Jackson ads: Joe Jackson the star of new Brazilian child abuse ad. Jacko makes an appearance in a Chinese skin whitening cream ad. And, two illicit Michael Jackson ads from 2008.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Secret.

The P&G brand wanted to attract more teens. So they shot a horribly cheesy, fake skateboarding scene with a girl in heels and a dress. (link)

This '2012' subway takeover would maybe not fly in NYC.

(click image) Pretty scary Ad Creepage currently up in Rio de Janeiro for the Mayan calendar Apocalypse flick, (I hope Woody Harrelson bites it hard) opening here in the States on Friday the 13th, of course. First off, when the Evil Doers next blow up and flood an underground tunnel somewhere in the world, my bet is, that 'somewhere' will be 'here.' Secondly, our tunnels already leak just fine, thx.
(image via) To view more frightening ad visuals, go here and here.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: School of Visual Arts.

One of my alma maters hops on the dangerously overcrowded Obama exploitation bandwagon. (link)

Gold's Gym in Costa Rica artistically mocks Fatties.

(click ads) As humans worldwide enter the Fat Season (Halloween—Valentine's Day), thoughts, if not actions, turn to Lean Cuisine and gym memberships. Here, in a campaign by ad agency Jotabequ in San Jose, your belts and buttons are yelling at you: "Ya es hora" (loosely: It's about time). Very nice artwork and label copy treatment; the ads will probably win many awards next year. Not sure how effective they are at motivating the sedentarily-inclined/reclined to get off their asses, but at least they don't sugarcoat the sell like many gym ads do (images via). Previous gym ads: Crunch. Crunch again. Equinox. Equinox again. David Barton. And Hernia or Orgasm?

Ridiculous Ambient Advertising of the Week.

(click images) It's, yes, lingerie placemats, for K-Lynn Lingerie, a chain with locations in Kuwait, Lebanon, and Dubai. They were placed in "selected cafes," where dining Middle Eastern women and cross-dressers experienced how they might look if they were wearing slutty stockings and garter belts. This won an award at this year's Dubai Lynx ad festival. It is creepy Ad Creep (by JWT Cairo, images via). Previously in ridiculous ambient ads: hairy. scary. pukey. meaty. dusty. speedy. punchy. pissy. disgusting.

If only all ads had a light switch.

(click images) Bus poster put up by Toronto's city government promoting its Green initiative LiveGreenToronto.ca. Little too much copy for an outdoor ad, but a fairly creative piece of communication when you consider it's from a government agency. I'm guessing the light doesn't stay off? Otherwise, well, that would make it a really Green ad. And yes, there is the 'wasting electricity to do Green advertising' irony. But really, all ads waste energy of some sort. By Agency 59 in Toronto, via. Here's a post with a roundup of recent Green ads, good and (mostly) bad. Previously in: high-tech bus posters.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Smart Car.

Cute! (link)

Make sure you pack up your Seniors securely before shipping them off to the old folks home.

(click ads) The town of Siena, Italy wanted to produce a poster campaign reminding young people to treat their elders—"the third age"—with respect. But instead, local agency milc created these ads which mercilessly mock them. "Close your eyes PopPop, I'm just going to push your face gently down. It'll all be over soon." (images via) Previously in The Olds: Geezer Jocks. Geezer Junkies. Geezer Incontinence. And a terrifying Alzheimer's awareness spot via France.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Telenet.

To fight the "Mexican flu," A Belgian telecom company helpfully proposes replacing the handshake with the "airshake." The effort includes a classy instruction video featuring the Mexican Hat Dance song. (link)

The Economist continues its "ads for stupid Americans" series.

(click ad to read) The UK business magazine has a legacy of whip-smart print ads that have made copywriters the world over touch themselves. But those ads were mostly British ads. In the past year, via my buds BBDO NY, they've launched a dumbed-down campaign here in the states, with an emphasis on Dallas for some reason. Previously they set-up a branded mechanical bull in a plaza to help Texans grasps the "ups and downs" of finance. Now, to help the locals with world affairs, they've placed this poster riffing off of cardio machine workout programs in 75 health clubs around the city. Those dang Mideast peace negotiations will wind ya! (image via) Previous dumbed-down Economist ads: They do not cover Cloud-Cuckoo-Land.
Related: the best Economist cover ever.

"Let's see (puff-puff): C- or D-cup tonight?"

(click image) If only some enterprising designer had combined one of these blow-up babies with the Nipple Bra™, lucky lascivious ladies of the past could have sported some true torpedo titties (via a 1963 Frederick's of Hollywood catalog, image via). Previous Frederick's catalog post: 1964—get that "marry a millionaire" look!

Dead, again, is the New Black (again).

(click ads) Happy Day of the Dead! Not to outdone by their Kiwi neighbors, JWT Melbourne goes Dead Model for the Sarti Tailors 09 collection, their "Fall" collection; another tired fashion ad meme that's been beaten like a dead clotheshorse, even by me (images via).

Dead is the New Black (again).

(click ads, huge files, sorry) Using "dead" models to sell fashion is of course nothing nouveau. It's been done artistically, like in this Kate Spade shoes ad. It's been done sleazily, like with this Duncan Quinn ad. And it's been done realistically, like in this Jimmy Choo ad. Here, via DDB New Zealand, we get Gory for Superette, an Auckland boutique. "Be caught dead in it" is the tagline. The campaign will be running in newspapers and fashion mags, as well as on billboards, according to the agency press note. Fashion is death, it's been said—by about a million unoriginal pretentious fashion photog pricks (images via).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Whirlpool Brastemp oven.

How would you visualize "the biggest oven ever?" (link)

Cheesy 1970s t-shirt finally becomes a lube ad.

(click ad) For you youngsters, it's this t-shirt. The culprit is K-Y via Hamburg, Germany ad agency Kolle Rebbe. I've thoroughly covered the classy lube advertising category here over the last 4+ years. Previously, we've seen a rabbit in a mason jar via Spain. A fisting from inside an ass via Switzerland. A choo-choo stuck in the poo-poo via Australia. And, fruity wet holes via Germany. Where's this one rate? I'd say, it's the lamest of the bunch. How 'bout you? (scanned from the latest Archive)

Link Haze, 10/30/09.

• PANTYFISH.
• Candy corn cones.
• "Death" and "Death II" by the Chapman brothers (via).
• This is where the next interesting item would go, if only I wasn't boring-bludgeoned by every goddamn thing I saw this week. See you Monday, fuckfaces.

Loser coaches cry into their p*ssy green tea.

(click ad, scanned from SI) Both vanquished from the playoffs, Joe Torre and Terry Francona sit down in some polite cafe to talk, not baseball, but yoga and tofu and psychotherapy. Where the fuck have you gone Earl Weaver and Leo Durocher (RIP)? Previous baseball ad posts: A-Rod's got milk and big pants. The official hooch of the Yankees. Bud sez watching Mets games requires nine innings of drinkability. Related: Moises Alou pees on his hands.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Jumpstart.org,

The literacy organization places an ad in a poor NYC neighborhood that kinda mocks illiterates. (link)

Floating (Congressional Committee) Head.

(click image) Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee—and my Congressman—Charles Rangel gets the street art floating headvertising treatment on The Bowery near Houston. After 38 years in office, he certainly has learned of many ways to supplement his means. Previously in NYC street art: the fake American Apparel ad artist. And subterranean slicer Poster Boy.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ad Creep Update—Flies.

Video of 200 flies with mini ad banners attached to them at a Frankfurt book fair. (link)

I wonder how many hands this thing mangled?

(click ad, from 1950) And how the fuck did it work? I guess it shook the shit out of your hand, which you then applied to your body? And where's the, I'm assuming, even scarier STIM•U•LAX Senior? From Oster! Dig the wavy type on STIM (image via). Previously in probably deadly products from the 1950s: the Homko remote-controlled Mow-bot. Previously in: 1950s ads.

Here's something I have hardly anything bad to say about.

(click image) It's an efficient idea for advertising fuel efficiency. To promote the new Volkswagen Golf BlueMotion, DDB in Berlin stamped the map portion of 5,000 Euro banknotes of various denominations with matching route lengths showing how far you could go for your money. The notes were put into circulation at German VW dealers and service shops. Yes, it is an example of Ad Creep, which I usually deride. But this defacing of banknotes isn't so evil. And it's informative (image via). Previously in VW ads: Classic. Sexist. Terrible. And zany (the Peter Stormare GTI spots).

Get clean forever for $2.

Or "no pay" if it fails. "Can be given secretly in the privacy of home...Guaranteed to banish forever all desire...Save him from poison." Sounds like it is poison (ad from 1929 Modern Mechanics, image via). Previously: Is that a nipple in this 1937 Simoniz ad? 1930s Wall Street Journal—"How a boner helped me earn $15,000."

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Kosovo.

The republic or territory or whatever it is these days just launched a TV spot that makes the place look like Sunshinystan. (link)

Boxer Chokes Chicken.

(click ad) Ad is for Hundforum dog care in Stockholm. "What's your dog up to when it's home alone?" Well, Paco (that's his name) is surfing puppy porn on an ancient Macintosh, that's what. Ain't no way boy's gonna get quality streaming doggystyle videos on that thing. The wadded up TP is overkill, just the roll would have been fine, thanks (image via). Previously in dog product advertising: Cool. Funny. Evil. Macabre.

Nonsensical Sexuality Of The Week.

A little exhibitionism. A little Sapphicism. And a little knee lick-ism. Is that the woman's twin watching her (incest-ism!)? Or is she watching herself? Anyway, spot for new Loewe fragrance Aire Loco, via Spain. SEX. Agency unknown, via. Previously in perfume advertising: Phew! York. Sarah Jessica Parker's girlie-but-edgy Covet. Love's Baby Soft's child porn ad. 1972—MaGriffe unliberates the liberated woman.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Breast Fest Film Festival.

Watch a woman's breasts get felt up for a good cause. (link)

New Mexico's Children, Youth and Families Dept. renames state "Jurkistan."

(click ads) Ha? New Mexico apparently has a high rate of domestic violence. "It's the way men are here," reads the copy (you have to read the copy to fully take this campaign in) But these print ads—created by a two-person agency in Minneapolis—for the CYFD of New Mexico, are pretty damn bizarre. And insulting! Both to New Mexicans and to all countries that end in -stan. Yes, they're riffing off the barbaric treatment of women in many Muslim countries. But, don't let the Jurks win? YIKES! Tonally off a bit, maybe? The phone number is the real one for the organization, so I'm assuming the ads are legit (images via and via, thanks to John for the tip). Previous stops on the Domestic Violence Awareness Ad Tour: China. China again. Berlin. Lisbon. Lisbon again. The UK. Rhode Island. And New York City.

Just a reminder: Swine Flu also spreads via f*cking.

(click ad) Previously, Y&R Buenos Aires used boning skeletons to scare-sell Tulipan brand condoms. Headline here: "Keep taking care." So, let me take the stupid step of trying to decipher this visual literally. These two young men are engaged in a three-way with a woman who has the sniffles, or maybe something worse? So, in addition to Tulipan rubbers on their peckers, they're using her bra as a mask. This really limits the sexual position possibilities. Also, no oral for the poor female. OR: one (or both) of the dudes is a cross-dresser, and they're giving each other handjobs (image via). To view some of the many prophylactic ads I've diagnosed with the same professionalism over the last 4+ years, click here and here.

Miller Lite throws cape on bottle to create laziest Halloween ad imaginable.

(click ad) Wow! I had to look twice, I really thought that was a vampire for a second! Amazingly, the headline is somehow even lazier than the visual. They've lowered themselves down to Bud Bad with this awful anthropomorphism (Agency: Arc Worldwide, image via). Previous bad Miller ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Snickers.

Mars has launched Mr. T-CTV in the UK, where the be-blinged former A-Team member ubiquitously calls out "walkin' talkin' jokes who call themselves 'blokes'" (link)

The Trib: Guardian of Gotham.

(click ads) Like every major metropolitan newspaper, the now bankrupt Chicago Tribune has reduced staff drastically over the last few years. But they're going down punching wildly, at least judging by these self-promotional ads by Toronto (?) ad agency Juniper Park tagged "Covering the stories you need to know." While the art direction is attractive, the headlines are clunky and weak and—particularly the Batman-riffing one—come off as gratingly pompous. Especially considering that they're for The Trib, not exactly, reputation-wise, America's juggernaut of print journalism (images via). Previously in newspaper/magazine self-promo ads/stunts: The Economist. The Economist again. The Guardian. Business Week. FHM India. FHM Germany. And the New York Times.

Link Haze, 10/23/09.

• Raw meat fashion show.
• Vanilla Ice collects a paycheck.
• Gild your ass crack hands free.
• NYC bodega signage is unique.
• Another dead celeb ad via DirecTV.
• Writings from the Qur'an appear on nine-month old boy's leg.

Hopefully, Windows 7 is smarter than the new ads.

(click ad) Microsoft? Ad agency cp+b? It's "FEWER" clicks, you fucking idiots. This lesson via a grammar moron (me) (image via). Previously in stupid Microsoft ads: Ironic. Moronic. Viral. Unpatriotic. Fake.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Liaison Dangereuse.

Racy—and empowering!—spot for a German online lingerie store. (link)

Mediaite enthusiastically fellates copyranter.

This week, the clumsily-named media news blog founded by NBC's Dan Abrams ran a piece titled, "25 need-to-know bloggers you may not know already." My blowjob is on page three. So, there you go: you're reading a fucking media STAR. Mediaite joins Slate, IFC, The Globe and Mail, and Charlottesville, Virginia in the copyranter glory hole queue.

Canada fights global warming with mild sarcasm.

"Canada's greenhouse gases are going up. In fact, they've gone up more than any other G8 country...Find out if a Canadian vacation in the new warmer Canada is right for your family." Visit the Canadian Tourism Federation. (agency unknown, via). Previously in global warming awareness advertising: global warming logos—from bad to brainless. Stay cool, planet killers. How to advertise global warming awareness on YouTube. Absolut solves global warming with a big tray of ice cubes.

Jesus gangsta, haven't the Mets had a tough enough year?

Meet 18-year-old Jamal Blair of The Bronx. Mets fan. And (alleged) granny slayer. Next time son, put on your Ecko hoodie or something for the perp walk. Previously in the Mets: nine innings of this team deserves something a lot stronger than Bud Light. Previously in: the Yankees.

Amelia Earhart chain-smoked her way across the North Atlantic.

(click ad) In honor of tomorrow's opening of Amelia (Hilary Swank?), here's a retro sponsorship coup for Lucky Strike which commemorated the 1928 "Friendship" flight (on which, she was merely a passenger). Four years later of course, she became the first woman to fly solo non-stop across the Atlantic. The money testimonial quote (probably fake): "They were smoked continuously from Trepassey to Wales. I think nothing else helped lessen the strain for all of us." No Klonopin around then (image via). Previous retro Lucky Strike ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Spore toys.

I'm hyperbolic often here, but this short video, via Mexico, is definitely the violent-est toy ad you will EVER see. (link)

(NSFW) Apparently In Slovenia, all billboards have boobs.

(click image) Last month, it was huge soapy boobs promoting a graphic arts biennial in the capital city of Ljubljana. Here, some subtle tit-fucking imagery is used to help sell some brand of sausage, translation not need, I think (image via). Previously in Phallic MeatVertising: Hillshire Farms. Arby's introduces new melon burger. And, Dickman's Meat of Tucson, Arizona.
Related: the Human Dickwad.