Thursday, September 11, 2014

BREAKDOWN! Why David Fincher's New GAP Ads Are Fucking Terrible.

BREAKDOWN! is a new semi-regular bullshit clickbait copyranter feature where I "break down" why popular new ads that most people like are in fact "Fucking Terrible".

GAP hired Fincher, Hollywood hero to both faux-tough misogynistic MRM douchebags (Fight Club) and passive-aggressive noodle-armed misogynistic tech douchebags (The Social Network), to shoot its new Fall denim commercials.

And man, are they bad.

What's usually not clear when a brand/ad agency brings in a big shot film director is how much of the resulting work was the agency's idea and how much was the director's. But I'm guessing since it's motherfucking Fincher, GAP/Wieden & Kennedy NYC gave him the freedom to shoot whatever the Hell he wanted as long it was good-looking Gen Y's/Gen Z's wearing denim.

Fincher's goal with these "films" was to create "positive anxiety", according to GAP's poetic press release. Huh. The feeling they evoke in me is more "negative nothingness". Watch and see what you feel.


"The uniform of rebellion and conformity".

Uniform. Rebellion. Conformity. Ying-Yang-ish soaked beautiful girl removes her wet GAP jeans in car and carelessly, rebelliously throws them in the front seat between a beautiful GAP-wearing couple (Not her parents, I guess. Woman is too young.) Not-as-beautiful-as-the-other-three backseat friend is not amused. Bearded man is resigned. Woman is very concerned. What acting! Note that woman is driving some kind of vintage car. The vintage music is "L'amour la Mort" (love death) by French jazz pianist Martial Solal from the 1960 Jean-Luc Godard film "Breathless". The car and music are meant to invoke "timelessness".

What mystery! What positive anxiety! What pointlessness! But, that's the point, you see. Life is pointless. And dark. And normal. So, Dress Normal. Or something. Fuck narrative, and fuck you, consumer.

Do you now, finally, want to wear GAP clothes?
I didn't think so.


"Let your actions speak louder than your clothes".

So, don't dress like this, I guess.

Presumably this is a couple: smoking (Or is it a toothpick? Such dark mystery.) skinny jeans-wearing anti-golfer golfer; bored, Capri jeans-wearing dancer. Oh my GOD, it's like a scene from a David not-Fincher but Lynch film! Is the hipster golfer going to kill and dismember his annoying girlfriend? I know this much: I wouldn't leave his vintage BMW sitting there with the keys in it, stupid dancing soon-to-be-murdered girlie.

Music: "Wait A Minute Girl" by The Newday, for those of you who care about such things.


"Dress like no one's watching".

Eh, what the fuck does that mean?

Anyway. Three men. Two of them, bearded (hipster golfer may have stubble, hard to tell). Though, this man's beard is actually a spray-on beard, because his real beard was destroying the actress's face from having to do so many takes for asshole Fincher (true story).

Wonder if the 4th spot will feature a bearded man?
This is about the only thing dramatic or "anxious" about this campaign.


"Simple clothes for you to complicate".

He's a swarthy, fast-moving man, so it's a bit hard to discern, but yes—he has a beard. He is running up the steps to presumably snog/shag the hot-assed white girl, which we can also presume he starts doing right there on the stairs since his white shirt comes floating down. Well, at least "something" happened here. But again, the sign off line is meaningless fucking drivel posing as Important.

GAP's marketing guru Seth Farbman had this to say about his campaign:
"We want these films to get people talking. Each one features a confident woman at the center and tells a story of how liberating it is when you are being your most authentic self. We believe everyone who watches them will identify with one or more of the characters. We were thrilled to work with David Fincher, one of the greats of modern American cinema and a superb storyteller. His highly detailed and authentic style resonates with the Gap brand and these films truly bring to life what our 'Dress Normal' message means."
They're not films, Seth. They're ads. Bad ads, with no story.
But please, continue:
"In the fashion world, there's a trend and a conversation around this idea that's called normcore,' I'm sort of edified in a way to see that there's a fashion trend that is more extreme but recognizes this same truth. We're not normcore, but we're seeing this same truth."

Seth? Sethy? GAP is normcore to the fucking core.

GAP's global president Stephen Sunnucks added:
"The films (sigh) were inspired by the bold and honest spirit of the millennial generation. (note: do you want this man smooching your hot young asses, Gen Yers?). Their authenticity is what makes them stand apart in today’s complex world. Gap has always stood for individuality and being your most authentic self. By challenging the idea of what it means to dress normal, we hope to inspire confidence in everyone’s own personal style."
SUMMARY: So: the campaign is Positive Anxiety. Happy Noir. Safe Danger. Rebellious Conformity. Synthetic Authenticity. Thoughtless Ideation. Uncreative Creativity.

ADDENDUM:  I know, from ten years of doing this crap, that some of you out there will be silently asking me: "OK, douchebag, then why don't you show us what you think is a good denim commercial?"

Fine. Here you go, from 2006:

"News Story"

Well look at that. Narrative, and old boring product as hero.
Ad agency: BBH London. Directed by: Frank Budgen.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

According to Advertising, the 1950s woman wanted to fuck her appliances.

 (detail from 1956 Monsanto ad featuring a Hoover vacuum that wasn't also a phone)

It was the salad baby-booming post-WWII days of this great country, when men were men and women were wives. Obedient wives. Obedient wives with sparkling dishware, spotless clothing that smelt of the ocean, perfectly organized spice racks, and tightly sealed leftovers. Obedient wives who put on their shiniest pair of fuck-me pumps and orgasmed whenever a new appliance arrived (but not in bed, unless it was a new bed with Tide®-fresh sheets).

The Advertising Creative Revolution of the 1960s swept aside this obscene objectophilia. But it created another one, for men, involving cars (future post). There's always another one. Today it's gadgets, right moronic Apple fanboys?

To the appliance porn.

Click images to enlarge.

Let's start small and work our way up to the bigger, thicker appliances. How to please a lady...a lady in love? A hot little Proctor toaster. What is the right lady wearing? An apron? A frilly corset?

Details from two 1950s Toastmaster ads. Left, a Christmas ad featuring the happiest lady in the history of humanity. Right, a lady seductively jabbing herself in a personal arousal spot with her sharp nail (and probably drawing an inward breath).

Alright, to the washers & dryers. Get comfortable, we're going to be here awhile.
Two ads from 1953. Be-pumped left lady is rubbing herself against a vibrating Thor. Right lady is reluctant to leave the laundry room after the thrilling performance she just experienced.

Details from 1954 Bendix ad and 1958 Hotpoint ad featuring two satisfied ladies sporting their post-O faces. Right lady is—oh my. She had to sit on the running dryer for several minutes afterwards.

There were two ways to satisfy a "seven-year itch" in the 50s.
The Marilyn way and the Maytag way.
Both blew plenty of hot air up your skirt.

Two very different housewives in heels in love: L—If even one of her carefully selected towels came out less than perfect, control-freak Dominatrix tortured her blue boy by repeatedly turning him on and off. R—Sweet Submissive gives her soft towel-making sex machines fresh flowers every day.

L—Have hot identical twins in fuck-me pumps ever stared at you like that?
R—"So long and thick and smooth. You can agitate my dirty panties anytime, Maytag."

OK, let's move on to sizzling steamy ovens.
Sure, Dad and Daughter are excited about the new range. But not nearly as hot and bothered as Wifey. She instantly feels an electric connection like she's never felt with her dorky husband.

Lady (again wearing fucking pumps) can't even stay in the kitchen with her Tappan range and it's hot pieces of meat, all she can do is look on with sex face. R—LOVE BEAUTIFUL ME, LOVE MY BEAUTIFUL RANGE.

Refrigerators. What drew the 1950s woman to their cold, cold hearts? Well, the International Harvester (L) was "femineered!"—which was enough for ladies to sit on their cold kitchen floors, dresses splayed wide open, picking the color of their future lovers. Speaking of lovers, As commanded, second lady has fallen in love with her big inanimate pink object.

L—Heaven, I'm in Appliance Heaven...

(Promotional image via Frigidaire, 1956)

Apparently starting around 1954, housewives all across America got together, covertly, at regional all-night appliance sex cult gatherings in warehouses. (Think: Eyes Wide Shut). They'd don evening gowns and long white gloves and chant Latin while making the above secret "half box" sign (representing half of an appliance). Then, the orgies commenced.

Monday, August 25, 2014

The Ridiculously Phallic Crunchie Ads of the 1950s.

Let me feed it to you—s l o w l y—baby.


offices of London ad agency Subliminal, Persuader, & Manipulate, 1957.

Subliminal: "Gentlemen: I just got off the phone with Fry's. We got a new giant bar to push, the 6D. I told them they should call it the 8D, but they said it's not twice as big. I told them, who gives a fuck—we've already gone down on Freud like a five-quid slag with this campaign, so why not go all in?"

Manipulate: "I can tell you from experience that girls think 8 is the perfect size D."

Persuader: "Can I borrow that dildo this weekend, Manipulate?"

Subliminal: "Shut-up, you cunts. Creatively, do we want to stick with illustration, or should we switch to photos?"

Manipulate: "Photos photos!!! I'll do the casting! No men this round!"

Persuader: "I think we should stay with drawings of hot birds. That way, consumers can project themselves into the scene."

Subliminal: "Whoa, Persuader. You been doing some reading?"

Persuader: "Packard's new book is a gold mine, boss."

Manipulate: "Can we get them to change the tagline? 'Biting' makes me think of my first painful experience."

Subliminal: "It rhymes, it wins. Give me ideas by Friday, wankers."

Her hands say no, but her eyes say yes.
Her boyfriend just wants to watch.

Peeling down the foreskin.
Well placed beach ball covering up man's raging member.
Look at his eyes, mouth.

Red head on a cold day.

1959 photo ad, Manipulate finally gets his way.
"...two are nicer than one." The horse seals it.

All ads found via Google.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Swagger Ad Dads Need To Get Got.

The New Cheerios Gang-Signs Dad

It's been well documented (if not well researched): At some point in the 1990s, Ad Dads very suddenly became moronic punchlines. I don't know who was more responsible for this—ad agencies or brands or Homer Simpson—but the tipping point was reached quickly. It was an anti-Mad Men ad movement. It was anti-creative. And it was just as sexist as all the Women As Sex Objects ads (though not as insidious).

The OG "Swagger" Dad

But in the last few years, there has been a shift in Dadvertising to Dad as Hero. That's fine. But, unfortunately, a subset of this new "Super Dad" ad concept has been the "Swagger Dad", popularized by comedian Brian Huskey in a lazy, hackneyed though widely applauded 2010 Toyota minivan ad. Like all such awkward-white-people-co-opting-black-culture ideas, it was insulting to the entire human race.

Swagger Dad #2

Now four years later Toyota, via their agency Saatchi & Saatchi Los Angeles, has finally released a "sequel" featuring "The Neuberts" (Christ). And since many criticized the first spot as racist, the world's leading auto manufacturer brought in Brooklyn boy Busta Rhymes to embarrass the fuck out of himself, hopefully for a very fat stack.

It has all of the cringe and none of the entertainment of the original video.
This took four years. And I'm unemployed.

American Greetings—"Dad Life" (2010)

The world's largest greeting card company (That's one of the Whitest phrases I've ever typed.) apparently scoped the success of the Toyota video, and dropped their own awful anthem less than two months later, pre-Father's Day. Theirs featured four Swagger Dads, including a black dad to mute racism criticism. Dockers® and St. John's Bay shirts and John Deere riding mowers and Roundup weed killer get shout-outs, though it's not clear if any of that was prearranged. Note the douchey bluetooth.

"I gotta clip for my piece..." (cellphone holder)

Cheerios and their digital ad agency Tribal Worldwide also certainly noticed the 12 million views the original Swagger Dad ad racked up. They smartly avoided the shitty studio rap track, but this dude is still just another Swagger Dad telling you #HowToDad—which includes eating and feeding your children bowl after motherfuckin' bowl of peanut butter Cheerios for "breakfast, lunch, dinner, and midnight snacks". #HowToAngioplasty

Health concerns aside, this ad was just merely bad and unoriginal, until, yep: had to throw in those slo-mo fake gang signs at the end...ahh YEAH.

What recent Dad Ad do I like?
This one, for Jell-O pudding, by cp+b.
It's real. Yo.

Monday, August 18, 2014

What In The Hell Has Happened To Beer Advertising?

Long gone are the days of the great "Tastes Great/Less Filling" Miller Lite TV commercials.

Long gone are the days of the very good Bud Light "Real Men of Genius/Real American Heroes" radio spots. (It didn't work as well on TV.)

And, long gone are the days of the fucking brilliant Errol Morris-directed "High Life" Miller TV ads. Watch three of them below. And watch 78 of them here.


So: Whadda we got now?

We got campaign after campaign inartfully, unsubtly, desperately sucking off Gen Y. If you are a Y, you should be guffawing derisively at your computer/TV screen at the sloppy blowjobs being performed on you by beer brands. But then, what do I know? Maybe your generation likes sloppy bad blowjobs.

Bad Blowjob #1: Heineken.
 Heineken continues to try to position itself as the official beer of "Adventure". The commercials, created by Wieden & Kennedy offices worldwide, are beautifully produced. Beautifully produced bullshit. The product is usually slipped in awkwardly, like with this 2:00 Dutch spot, the latest in their current "Man Of The World" campaign. Their "Man" is a dandy dancing whiskery hipster (sorry, but the word fits here) with perfect timing, cuteness, and charm. All of the hot women instantly cream over him. He is the Ultimate Millennial Hero. He is the most hateable brand mascot since Mr. Opportunity.

"Man Of The World". Image via.

You could call him the '2nd most interesting man in the world", since the campaign's 2012 start post-dates Dos Equis's "Most Interesting Man In The World", and W&K obviously "borrowed" the idea to create this super man. It is the most flaccid soft sell from the beer category that I can recall. I purposely never order Heineken because of this pandering campaign.

Bad Blowjob #2: Miller High Life.
The copywriter, art director, and director on these new-ish #IamRich spots should all be fucking ashamed of themselves. Meet "Rich". That's his name, you see, because he's not rich. (Though if that's his NYC apartment, he's far from fucking middle class.) Rich is yet another Bearded Millennial Hero. The ads pour irony into a skillet mold, let it harden, and then cave in your head with it. Here's a 2nd spot—note all of Rich's male buds have facial hair. Actual maybe quote from Miller's marketing director: "I WANT THE COOLEST COLLECTION OF BEARDS EVER ASSEMBLED IN AN AD."

Just absolutely awful advertising. Agency: Leo Burnett.
NOTE: I will not stop drinking Miller High Life because it is my favorite cheap beer.

He's cool because he's black & white and slightly out of focus, and sits ironically on a throne.

Bad Blowjob #3: Miller Fortune.

I love Mark Strong, one of my favorite actors (see him in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy). It's not his fault these spots are so bad, he didn't write this contrived hooey—take the money and run, good man.

My copy: "Get in there and get tossed out on your ass, tosser. I've another Miller Fortune waiting to ease your pain. And then you can try again, Sisyphus. Why will I still be here? I just like creepily standing outside of bars and providing strangers with running commentary on their loser lives."

My copy:" What are you doing? Did you see that rack? Guzzle this, turn around, and go back in there and FORCE YOURSELF on her. Then, five hours from now, come out, alone, and power-barf on the sidewalk. I'll still be here, with another Miller Fortune and a bottle of Scope."

(Miller Fortune deleted this spot from their YouTube page, probably because some criticized it for telling men to be "ungentlemanly".)

My copy: 'I know what you're thinking: 'I'm gonna miss this tap-in on purpose, and she'll suck me so good, the sheets'll get stuck in my ass.' Don't do that. Slam it home, loudly, and scream YEAH! in her face. Then, run the next table, and the next and the next and the...well just fucking destroy her, and then give me a call..."

Bad Blowjob #4: Corona Light.

Here Corona and their agency, Goodby Silverstein and Partners, smash older, married Millennials in the face with a Stupid bat. This copy feels like it was written by the account supervisor, or even the Corona marketing director's wife. Oh! That ending twist joke! My SIDES!

Bad Blowjob #5: Garagista (South Africa).

Ahh. the old "For those who..." strategy. How do you get "hip" people to drink your beer in 2014? By making fun of "hipsters"—at least according to the Garagista Brewery and their Capetown ad agency FoxP2.  But nobody is hipsters, everybody is hipsters, now. These people are just idiots, especially this chick. Don't you feel superior looking at these idiots? Shit, I'm getting such a confidence boost reading these ads, I think I'll dust off my chrome Slingerlands and start up a NYC post-post-post-punk band. Call ourselves the Mad Men. Dress like Draper, get sued by AMC. Get famous.

(click image to enlarge)
I'd actually like to to hear this gentlemen play his banjo. I bet he's pretty good. And come on: that font screams "drink me, hipster!".

(click image to enlarge)
I honestly cannot pick which one of these headlines is the worst. 
It's a dead heat at the Shit-Awful finish line.

Bad Blowjob #6: Miller Lite.

Lastly, there's the "Man Up" Miller Lite campaign from a couple of years ago. The blowjob target here: Bro-lennials. But not just any Bro-lennials, specifically the homophobic, unironic fist-bump-explosion, brain-dead Bro-lennials. This, seriously, may have been the dumbest alcohol campaign in the history of fermentation/distillation. 

There is, in fact, one very good beer campaign out there right now. It's the Newcastle "No Bollocks" effort. Excellent branding. Agency: Droga5, NYC. And no: Dos Equis's "Most Interesting Man in the World" is not a great beer campaign. It's merely a decent campaign. Sorry.

I'm thinking, maybe? the problem here with these bad beer ads is that Millennials, the new "creative class", are the ones creating them. And, they—somehow—think they're good? Discuss.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Van Gogh Severed Ear Portrait Ads, Ranked.

Vinnie painted approximately 40 self-portraits before shooting himself at 37. (or before being shot, claim others). But he only created two with his bandaged ear. The popular opinion is that he cut off part of his lobe with a razor blade after a fight with Paul Gauguin. Another theory is that Gauguin lopped it off with his sword, either accidentally or on purpose.

No matter. Van Gogh was an artist. Advertising art directors are not artists. They are art thieves, stealing popular artwork to help sell products/services. They steal "The Scream". They steal "David". They steal the "Venus de Milo". And, oh boy, do they steal the "Mona Lisa".

But poor, tortured, partially-earless van Gogh continues to be the most abused artist by ad hacks. I've collected a sampling of ads from the last 15 years that badly riffed off these two portraits. This ranking wasn't easy; they all suck. But some suck harder. Listed from worst to least worst, top to bottom.


10. Daikin air conditioners, India, 2003.

The two obvious ways to use the portraits is to play off Van Gogh's missing ear, or to reattach the ear. Copy: "Complete Silence". See, the art director has put his ear back. Because ... now ... he can ... enjoy ... the silence ... better ... with two ears ... instead of ... just one ... Agency: Dentsu Y&R.

9. Zeldox, Finland, 2007.

Zeldox is the Pfizer brand of Ziprasidone, a schizophrenia/bipolar disorder drug. Did Vincent suffer from either of those disorders? Who cares! Let's all laugh at suicidal mental illnesses. LOL—BLAM! Agency: TBWA/PHS, Helsinki.

8. The ADDY Awards, USA, 2011.

  The "ADDYs" are one of the lesser advertising awards shows, put on by the American Advertising Federation. (I've won two, just for reference.) The body copy, which is hard to read thanks to over-art direction, reads: "You've gone through a lot to create great work. It belongs in a museum too." BA-HA, no, it doesn't. RE: the headline—I learned at SVA to never tell a reader to "imagine" something, because you're basically calling him/her an idiot. But I'll give it a try. His arms? His head? His pecker? His beard? Who the FUCK cares. Agency: LGA, Charlotte.

7. iMeet, USA, 2011.

iMeet is a video meeting service.
The agency here is the much lauded MUH•TAY•ZIK | HOF•FER of San Francisco.
I do not understand why they are much lauded.

6. Elite Paintball, Brazil, 2011.

This is, really, the worst of the bunch, but because it is so audaciously stupid, I've moved it up/down. The unreadable headline: "Van Gogh lost his ear, and if he hadn't paid attention would have lost his eye as well." A much better headline is the copy next to the logo: "Only the best painters survive." Agency: Festo, Brazil.

5. Gardena garden shears, Germany, 2004.

Copy: "Every one a work of art." Gardena sells gardening tools worldwide. Van Gogh liked flowers, particularly sunflowers, I guess. So, bingo! Ad. (sigh) Agency: Serviceplan.

4. Desirée hairdressing school, The Netherlands, 1999.

"Cheap haircuts by student hairdressers."
At least it's via Vincent's home country. Agency: Result DDB.

3. Lazer helmets and eyewear, Belgium, 2011.

(Fucking ADs and their unreadable type/font choices) The thing you might not be getting with this Belgian ad is that to wear Lazer Magneto combo helmet/glasses, you don't need ears. So, therefore...IF VAN GOGH WERE ALIVE TODAY, HE WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED HIS EAR TO GO BIKING. Agency: Dallas, Antwerp.

2. Panasonic RF-HXD5W headphones, Israel, 2014.

The only thing that makes this ad "better" than the others above is that it is related to sound and that it makes some sense. Agency: McCann TLV.

1. Sky 100.7, The Netherlands, year unknown.

"100.7% listening enjoyment".
Again, at least the ad is via The Netherlands. And again, at least the ad is related to sound. It is the same concept as the above layout. But since it is older than the Panasonic ad and a tad more subtle, it is the "winner". Agency: unknown.


The Perth Zoo, Australia, 2010.

The ad is from a 2010 campaign promoting actual elephant paintings. (Here's the Warhol execution.) I didn't include it above because it doesn't use one of the Van Gogh paintings. It's a little subtle for a moronic mass audience, but... Agency: The Brand Agency, Perth.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Awful Stock Photos Turned Into Awful Ads.


The amount of time I've spent on stock photo websites (mostly shitty Getty, of course) over the last 15+ years would be measured in months, not hours. Any ad creative who's had to work with either cheap-ass clients who wouldn't pay for a shoot even if you took their fucking kids hostage or dipshit clients who just didn't see the point knows the mental pain of paging and scrolling for half a day until you find that one image that is slightly less shit-awful than the previous 2,000. And why do we do this? The ad's not going to help the client's business, the ad's not going in our portfolios, shit, it won't even be worth wiping our asses with—but we search and search and fucking SEARCH until diarrhea seeps out of our eyeballs.

It is, truly, one of the most pathetic activities a human being can do.

Well, this is my pathetic revenge. I've been collecting these unusable stock photos for about a year and, this past weekend, turned them into bad ads for major brands. Because, fuck you clients, and fuck you stock photo houses and your shitty cheap photos. I did the ads quickly, in Word, so they would look extra special shitty.

Here you go, Eli fucking Lilly.
It's no worse than your skeevy post-coital hand-holding two bath tubs sign off.

You young "content creators" won't remember the classic Hebrew National commercial from the 1970s featuring an insane-looking Uncle Sam. The "higher authority" in the tagline is of course God, not somebody/thing referenced very often in advertising these days. (ConAgra discarded the 110 year-old, NYC-born kosher hot dog brand's tagline in the 1990s.)
This kid looks like he's keen on meeting his maker.

Why would somebody put the Mona Lisa on a tongue?
Fuck you, 123RF, and fuck you Listerine and your useless"breath strips".

"Creepy facial-haired middle manager in a suspect red-ish dress shirt just wrenched one out in the work bathroom." That's what the description on 123RF should say. It doesn't. Quick, sign up your new "Mr. Fix-It" spokesman, Stanley Black & Decker.

Hey, look LensCrafters! "Eye" think your new funky-cool icon lockup works splendidly with this gem from shutterstock. Nothing sells eyewear faster than an horrific image that sort of implies badly botched lasik surgery.

This photo is child porn, Thinkstock.
If those girls aren't that guy's daughters...
Wait. That only makes it worse.
Run with it, Baskin Robbins. Court the pedo demo.

The Beef Council is frankly tired of all the shit they've been taking lately: Beef is bad for you; Beef is bad for the environment; Beef is bad for your "soul", as if that's a real thing. You know what's real, vegan pantywaists? The taste of a medium rare rib eye.
Critics say the Council is afraid to show cows in their ads. Well, here's a solution: Hire "Cowman" as your spokes-creature. Shove that face right in the agog faces of the PETA pussies. He'd be like the Marlboro Man's deformed brother.

Another creepy facial-haired fuckface, this one contemplating his horrible life choices lying on a flat cake for some imagined reason found within the unimaginative mind of a failing commercial photog. I did my best/worse.

Scat Porn combined with Joker Face. Wonderful.
Not Nutella's official tagline.

That's about all the House this underage student/pregnant-teacher-who-sorta-looks-like-Helen-Mirren marriage can afford right now. But Wells Fargo has plenty of experience with toxic home loans. Just understand, lovebirds, that the "we'll" in their tagline refers just to them.

This photo is titled "Ballerina" on Thinkstock.
I focused on the "rail" part of the photo, as it is the only usable part.

Here's an ad history lesson for you ad student dipshits: Accenture used to be Andersen Consulting who way back in the (mostly) pre-Photoshop early 1990s via Y&R NYC did some good simple animal-themed print (one two) and TV (one). It was so good and successful, about 10,000 b2b businesses have since copied (badly) the animal kingdom riff.
Another bad use for this stupid photo could be as a replacement cover for Augusten Burroughs' "memoir", Running With Scissors.

I abhor kitchen shows, so I don't know if "Cutthroat Kitchen" is just women, men, or what. I also don't know if the above Kitchen Führer is a man or a woman. The hands and ring say "man", but... It's definitely not Alton Brown.

The title of this photo is: "In with both feet". I guess if you needed to show "man putting his foot in his mouth", this technically works. But, no, not really.

The balloon hat is a retirement "gift" from his workplace. He's going to try to sell it on craigslist for $1,000, claim Jeff Koons made it. Then, he's going to take a vacation. He can't afford to go anywhere, so he's just going to set up camp near the rock quarry for a few days. Go swimming. Maybe kill somebody.

You can buy both of those items at my hick hometown Super Walmart.
Thank you, iStock. I'm going to use this ad image as the centerpiece of a spec campaign email pitch to CEO and Tennessee good ole boy Doug McMillon. My ≈1,000 cousins are his core clientele.

You think of a better use for a stock photo of a "doctor" delivering a fucking pineapple.

Gorton's tagline in the 1980s was: "If It Isn't Gorton's, Throw It Back." As an SVA student, that hit me as a smart strapline.  I don't remember the agency. Anyway, fuck this incomprehensible photo.

Title: "Elderly man falls down with a walker on a lawn."
I could've made a MedicAlert bracelet ad. But that would've been what's called a "see-say" ad—which is a hacky no-no. So, fertilizer ad it is.

Thinkstock title: "Scary Bloody Zombie Wearing A Cap And Glasses". Also, "holding a sign". He/she looks nothing like a zombie and a lot like a mummy, and I have zero ideas for what this photo could actually be used for.

As far as I'm concerned, this is the best PrepH ad ever assembled. It's the only use I could think of for this useless Getty image, other than to illustrate a man doing things "ass backwards"—but he looks too fucking happy.

NOTE #1: Send me any bad stock photo, and I will turn it into a bad brand ad for you.

NOTE #2: I've been unemployed now for nine months since being fired by BuzzFeed. This is mostly because of, I'm finding out, Ageism. If you're over 50, you're as good as dead to New York City "new" media companies. I'm asking for half of what I'm worth from people 20-25 years younger than me who can't take a smidge of constructive criticism (from somebody who has created somewhere in the neighborhood of 10,000 ads, won 3 CLIOs, etc.) about why/how their advertising, native or otherwise, could be better.